something deep inside

The sounds of pencil on paper and of tapping pens echoed through the cold, dull classroom as mindless thoughts of chemical bonds and quantum theory slowly melted away.  Mr. Stilla, the man who believed science was simply amazing along with outdated sweater vests and plastic finger pointers, wrapped up his monotone lecture and explained the night’s homework.  I leaned back in my seat with a long sigh and glanced to my right as my friend, Dan, frantically finished his notes over the lecture.  My eyes began to burn as I focused on his scribbles and I decided to rub my eyes until a kaleidoscope rainbow emerged from the black.  A pain emerged as well, so I finally lowered my hands.  “I am so tired”.  I muttered towards him. 
“Mm…” he responded with little movement.  I glanced at his busy hand, then to the board, and ultimately back at him. 
“Are you really taking notes on this stuff?”  I asked, raising my eyebrow.  This class was an absolute joke, even to people who hate science. 
“Not everyone can be a stupid genius like you, Ben.”  He intensely whispered back at me.  I sighed and turned towards the front, tapping my closed notebook with what little nail I possessed as a result of nervous biting. 
“I’m not a genius.”  I couldn’t help but wonder why everyone in school thought that I was so much smarter than the typical highschooler.  I did my homework, thought extensively about my future, and gave this terrible school my all.  If I didn’t have stellar grades, then what did I have to show colleges?  Absolutely nothing.
Dan paused his incessant writing and looked up at me.  “I meant it in a good way.  Let’s be honest, you have the best chance out of anyone in this school to go to your dream college.  It’s not a bad thing to be smart and it’s definitely not bad to be a genius.”  He ended in a less than concerned tone and continued his work.  I understood that being intelligent helps greatly in life, but in the back of my head, I knew it was one of the least important aspects of a human being.  No human has ever valued another simply because they were intelligent.  Usually, if they seem to be a terrible person they don’t make many friends in life.   
A belting wail interrupted my thoughts and made me cringe.  The noise cued chaos within the classroom and soon the halls.  Dan had a class beginning in the next four minutes and decided his time was best spent walking the longest route in the school to avoid the mass of bodies.  I had an hour free for lunch, so I decided to wait out the insanity through the door of this seemingly safe classroom.
The second bell finally rang, signaling who was late and who was just barely on time.  I threw my bag over my shoulder and sauntered out of the room.  I shuffled a few steps out of the doorway and gasped as my air was suddenly and unexpectedly taken by force.  A fist collided with my shoulder and I was shoved against the rows of lockers.  It hit me fast and hard, leaving me blinking in shock.
When I finally realized what was happening, a menacing hand grabbed my shoulder, gipping my shirt collar and pushing me down.  I winced at the pressure growing on my collarbone and glanced up at the shadowed face looming over me.  Childish teens were cackling at my sides and either egging the massive animal on or telling him to put me down as I was, evidently, not worth it. 
“Come on Jake, we’re gonna be late to class.” One boy stated, chuckling at the horrified face I was most definitely sporting.
“Just hit him and be done with it already, Jake.” Another chimed in. 
“I will, I will, just give me a minute.” growled, annoyed at the impatience of his minions. “I want to have a word with my little ‘friend’.”  He raised his left hand.  I flinched hard, but he only grabbed the other side of my collar rather than punching me outright.  “Do you remember how you said you wouldn’t tell anyone, especially a teacher, about me ‘picking’ on you?  Do you remember that or was secrecy not programmed into your brain?”  He pushed my shirt closer to my throat.  My hands shot up and tugged on his fists, but the attempt failed to loosen his death grip.  “Do you remember, Ben?!” He yelled it into my face as I winced at the booming voice of the bully.
“Yeah, yeah, I remember!”  I uttered back, not even close to the intensity he possessed. 
“Then why did you tell Mrs. Baker?! She gave me a whole month of detention!”
“Oh God, a couple of weeks?  That must really ruin all of those important plans that you definitely have.  I think they should have taken you out of this school, you shouldn’t even be going here!” I yelled back in his face.  I felt a drop in my stomach as I realized what I just said to the man that was so much bigger and already in the mood to kill me.  He had the ability and drive to beat me to death with his bare hands and I screamed in his face. 
“Look Ben, I’ve known you for a long time, right?  I know how much of an anxious little bitch you are.  All you have going for you is your brain, but even that’s messed up.  What do you think everyone would say if all your little secrets go out?”  He paused and leaned in closer.  “How would everyone feel if they knew you were gay?”  My face burned red and I pushed him away with all of my strength.  He moved a few steps back and after a short pause I reached out and pushed again, forcing him to lose his balance for a split second while I fell back into the lockers. 
Jake said nothing more, but chuckled at my feeble attempt to defend myself and walked down the hall with his posse not far behind.   I couldn’t tell what was audible to the others in that conversation, but I felt my legs go weak as I stumbled to my back pack that somehow was across the hallway.  The wall at that point was the only thing keeping me from falling to the floor where I would lay with no incentive to ever stand again.  
I headed to the double doors washed out by light pouring in through the window.  There was a silhouette standing in front of the doors, too dark to determine who it was.  As I grew closer to the image of a boy that I knew all too well staring at me with a mysterious smirk flawlessly crafted on his face emerged.  My stomach churned.  A bell sounded, alerting students and teachers that the first half of the lunch period was over and some classes would be starting.  People soon surrounded the halls, passing by the boy, failing to notice his existence.  I glared into his eyes and moved past him with ease, my shoulder brushing against his. 
I quickly stepped out the doors and in the direction of my car with tears welling in my eyes.  I heard the heavy metal doors shut and immediately open behind me.  I knew exactly who was chasing after me and I hated it, I hated him, but there was no way around him.  He was much too persistent to be rid of his company.
I quickened my pace into a small skip, but it was all in vain as a hand wrapped gingerly, yet firmly, around my wrist and froze me in my place.  I heard a heavy exhalation and a small chuckle followed by a harsh flick on the side of my ear.  I whipped around and formed my hand into a fist, prepared to unleash all of my pent up anger and pain on this relentless kid.  We looked each other in the eyes without hesitation, mine furious and his mischievous. 
“Why do you keep bothering me?  Why can’t you just leave me alone?”  I demanded, my voice almost trembling.  The boy ditched his smirk and adopted a serious frown.
“Maybe it’s just you.  Sounds to me like you’re making a big deal out of nothing.” He said in a sarcastic tone.  All I could do at that moment was glare at him and rip my hand away from his grip.  I turned and continued toward my car, but was inevitably followed by the boy like a puppy:  A condescending, unbearable, malicious puppy. 
“I am not in the mood for this again.  Can you please just leave me alone?” With his long legs he was finally able to catch up with me and he jabbed my side with a thin finger and pulled on my ear.  I winced and attempted to defend myself with a flailing hand, but instead he simply laughed and took a step back.  I finally reached my silver 2014 Ford Focus and ripped out my keys from my backpack, fumbling, and unlocked it.  When I finally got in, falling on the seat, I glanced over to the passenger side to see the boy staring back at me with a smug look.  I sat still with wide, livid eyes.  “Why are you in my car?” 
“Drive somewhere.”  He turned back to the front, still grinning.
“What?”
“Drive to Chipotle or something.  It’s lunch, right?” 
“What the-” This kid always rendered me speechless, but that was the first time he said something of worth and didn’t make me more depressed than I already was.  I didn’t feel very hungry at the moment, I had another idea in mind.
In a matter of awkwardly silent minutes, I parked the car, stepped out, and slammed the door shut.  Surveying my surroundings, I made sure there was no one in sight and, to my expectation, not a soul to be seen.  The opposite door opened as the kid hesitantly slid out of the car.  “The park?”  He inquired, rather confused as to what could possibly have compelled me to drive here.  In reality, it was the one place I could think of that would be void of human beings at this time. 
I moved around the car to face him, placed my hands on my hips, and huffed, answering his question with a simple nod.  I felt a burning rage deep inside and felt the need to let it out, but I realized that talking might turn out better than throwing a punch, and making sure no one was around would make me feel less crazed.  “Why?”  He inquired.
“We need to talk.”  I avoided eye contact as best as I could.  His piercing eyes brought back painful memories and feelings that cut like a knife, but I knew I couldn't avoid them any longer.
“Talk?  Are we an old married couple now?”  He smirked and I bit my lip, trying to hold back the anger that surely emanated off of me. 
“Why do you keep bothering me?”  I pressed him for the answer that I sorely desired.  He sighed and moved awkwardly, shoving his hands in his pockets.
“Why do you make such a big deal about it?” He frowned at my incessant inquiry, which automatically made me fume. 
“Just answer my damn question.”  I raised my voice and growled.  He smiled and looked around the baron park.
“I want you to understand what you’re doing to yourself.”  He chuckled.  “It’s actually kind of funny.” 
“Funny?”  I could feel my face burn red, this time with absolute frustration. 
“Yes Ben, funny.  It’s hilarious seeing you get so worked up about what’s your own fault.  All of this complaining and crying about how hard your life is and in reality, your life really does suck.  You have so many anxieties that will never be tamed, and questions that will never be answered.  To be honest, I love it.”  He gritted his teeth with a malicious smile.  “I love seeing you beaten and broken down by this cruel, cruel world.”  I struggled to keep my confidence and my purpose in this conversation, but the boy’s threatening eyes made it so hard to look at him.  He stepped closer to me, forcing me to shrink in his dark presence. 
“Stop it-”
“Stop what?  Telling the truth that you are severely deprived of?  I think you need to be taught who’s in charge here.”  He struck my shoulder with enough force to put motion into my lifeless body.  I bit my lip to prepare for the oncoming tornado of hurtful words.  “There are so many things wrong with you that I don’t even know where to start.  For one thing you have absolutely no backbone.  You stood up to that bully at school, sure, but you can’t stand up to your parents, you can’t stand up to society, and you can’t even stand up to me.  Do you realize how easy it is to pick on you?  It’s a joke.  You’re a joke.”  His words cut deeper than usually did and they knocked down any ounce of dignity I had left.  Since I was forced to deal with them every day, they were bearable, but time can only heal if the wounds aren’t constantly reopened.  
I clenched my fists, battling the tears that formed in my eyes, but it was all in vain as they came trickling down my face.  “You’re a joke.  Your anxieties are stupid and you are stupid for letting them define you.”  He cackled at the sight of my tears streaming down..  “I actually wish you would fight back.  I hate everything that you are.  You don’t deserve to breathe-”
“I get it!”  I broke my own silence and closed my eyes tightly.  “I get it, ok?  I realize that I shouldn’t be afraid, but it’s killing me! It’s ripping me apart that I am what no one wants me to be!  I’m terrified of what might happen in my life and what may never happen!  I am so angry, all the time and I realize self-acceptance is such a big thing, but I just can’t do it, and I don’t know why!”  I could feel my knees go weak and I thought they would betray me and falter, but surprisingly they had enough strength for a few more moments.  “Why does all of this hurt so much?  I am who I am, right?  So why do I feel so sick?!” 
All of a sudden, something deep inside sparked a small flame and I could feel myself gaining control again.  “But why does it have to hurt?  Why should I let it kill me?”  My hands balled into fists at my sides.  “It shouldn’t.  I’m not going to let it.  I’m not going to let this take control of my life, and I’m not going to let this ruin me.  My anxieties are a part of me, but why should they be all of me?  Why should they take over me and why should they be allowed to bully me.  This is who I am and this is who I always will be!  You can’t bother me anymore if there’s nothing to bother!  This is my life and I’m not letting my high school years define it!” 
Silence fell over the park and the intense feeling of the moment slowly faded.  I hesitantly opened my eyes and gazed in front of me at nothing.  I turned in a 360, but the boy was gone.  There was no trace of him anywhere. 
Although nothing had drastically changed, I did feel different.  I felt whole, like there was a part of me that, evidently, was missing and I never noticed it before, but the missing puzzle piece had finally been replaced.  I wondered about the boy again.  He was nowhere to be found, so why did it feel like he was still in my presence?  The feeling wasn’t threatening the way it had been in the past, but instead it felt peaceful.
I opened the driver side door and sat.  I smiled slightly and dropped my head.  For the first time, I didn’t feel the need to cry.  All I felt was the need to eat.  In light of recent events, I was overwhelmingly tired and hungry.  “I’m ok.  It’ll all be ok.”  Starting my car, I slowly maneuvered out of the gravel covered parking lot and pulled out onto the main road.